2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel