My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.