My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
What kind of a cult is this?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Shortcut
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.