My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
You Might Also Like
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
what does he know…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say