Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.