Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.
My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.
So I wore an adult onesie.
Guess I won this round.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.
Are you calling me fat?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.