@Nyx422

My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.

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@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@WorkingMom86

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@Mom_Overboard

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

@bridger_w

If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.