My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
my astrological sign is a french fry
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The Others (2001)
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?