@MissHavisham

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

@NdieCity

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@spicydisasterma

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

@NewDadNotes

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.