My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me