@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

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@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

@rockymomax

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@GrantTanaka

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@daddydoubts

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.