You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.