@Miniwheats2012

My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100

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@gabsmashh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

@TheBoydP

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@IchBin_Rob

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

@AmericanGent69

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…