My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me 2 months after i graduated
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Haha good job!!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
This is me
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
What is going on? 😅
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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