You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody