[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Happy Taco Tuesday
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.