My son- Can I have ice cream?
Me- No, it’s breakfast
Him-The dog just pooped in the living room
Me-Clean it up & you can have some ice cream

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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.


Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.


[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.


When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”


If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.