I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.