<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.