My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You Might Also Like
Home #decor warning.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back