@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

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@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

@Dirty_Naomi

Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@LackOfShame

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

@Gupton68

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.