National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again