@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

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@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@DanMentos

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

@junejuly12

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

@ClichedOut

ME: can I start digging?

SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology