All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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I feel personally attacked
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
ME: can I start digging?
SOCIETY: no wtf that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology