My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
A roof is a house hat.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand