My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.