My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Well well well…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed