*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
ME: Stop hemming and hawing
DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep