@Demented_Jokes: My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.
@MohanadElshieky: Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old. Dane Cook: hold my beer. Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.
@GuyThe_Guy: They say if you choose a job you love, you'll never work a day in your life. I have to work tomorrow.
@myles_morrison: All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.