@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

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@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

@Maxine12333

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

@therealeatwood

ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

@WalkingOutside

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

@NewDadNotes

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@Book_Krazy

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh