My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator