My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
A Match(.com), but for socks.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I think this cat is broken
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.