@AddTequila

My son: “Dad what’s a douche bag?” Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?….

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@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@ArfMeasures

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

@kellyoxford

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@SamSkoronski

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?