Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Basically.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material