@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

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@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@marknorm

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

@trevso_electric

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

@ShutUpThatsWho

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

@heidi420x

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

@ibid78

Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@LoveNLunchmeat

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.