Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.
Someone waited their whole career to write that headline.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going