My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.


I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.


Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years


[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?


Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day


Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.


My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married


Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.