[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My life coach traded me.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread