@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

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@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@realbjdunne

[open casket funeral]

woman (wailing): HE WAS A GOOD OPEN CASKET

@clindsaysway

Whenever I’m in a difficult situation, I think, “What would I do?” so I can do the opposite thing

@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

@jonnysun

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

@DirtMcTurd

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

@Vodkantots

It’s like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.