My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you鈥檇 be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
馃槶
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My doctor says I鈥檓 almost legally obese, but my mom says I鈥檓 very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I鈥檓 an idiot.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
hyundai called it sonata because it鈥檚 sonata good car
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.