One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.