Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.