My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
OMG 🤣🤣
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*limbos under the caution tape
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question