My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple


I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.


Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..


I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces


People are often shocked when I tell them I’m single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.


so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*


why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2


11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O


Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location