My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.


help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”


Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword



Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.


Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.


GOD: there, my first animal ūüôā
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
G:just kinda*shimmies*


My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.


*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*