@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

- @WorkingMom86

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Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

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@captainkalvis

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ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

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ME: No…miscommunication

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ME: See?

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@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

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E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
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