My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off