My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor’s back porch! I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s really a marijuana leaf.

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Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead


why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening


Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.


I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.


Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.


When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult


Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you


Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time


Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.