My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.