My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
become ungovernable
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
the dark web is just a goth google.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday