[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This is why I hate group projects
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks