My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one