My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Dishonest mechanic?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.