Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
getting animal crossing for my mom is the best thing i’ve ever done
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
3. _tra large portion of fries
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Me: No boys.
Me: No thanks.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working