My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.