Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
You Might Also Like
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
🙋♀️
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐