Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room
[high school sex ed class]
When are we ever going to use this in real life
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.