@HenpeckedHal

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

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@WilliamAder

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

@heyitsJudeD

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

@respected_loner

just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating

@BillCorbett

To celebrate Independence Day I’m finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!

@kentgrossarth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

@poizngrl

The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room

@NicestHippo

[high school sex ed class]
*scoffs*
When are we ever going to use this in real life

@Fred_Delicious

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

@jimmytorosian

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

@myqkaplan

i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.