My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
You Might Also Like
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Feels
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Please do it!
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.