My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

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Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.


Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.


Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.


It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.


Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?


My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁


her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally


british people see you with toast & are all “i love jinglewhammy hammy slammies! try it with a molly tosser & some clangy bangies on the side! i’m knackered!”


how do we know what dinosaurs really sounded like. what if a t-rex said moo and we just assume it screamed all the time


I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.