My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.