My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*


Him: I started taking Prevagen two years ago and my memory’s really improved
Her: You started five years ago
Him: Yeah, five years ago


Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.


Friend: how’d you hurt your back so badly?

Me, recalling my many attempts to slide into the living room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business and falling over the coffee table: sex


my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats


My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat


Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.


I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made