@MaryJustice86

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

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@TheTimmyToes

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

@Hobo_Splendido

Him: I started taking Prevagen two years ago and my memory’s really improved
Her: You started five years ago
Him: Yeah, five years ago

@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

@VisionBored1

Friend: how’d you hurt your back so badly?

Me, recalling my many attempts to slide into the living room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business and falling over the coffee table: sex

@Amusitr0n

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made