My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.