What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom