My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.

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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder




[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.


(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.


Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.


Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.


I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.


if i die on a hill it’s gonna be the bottom of that hill. i’m not climbing up a hill to die


Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.