My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Tier 3 meme
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex