Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Risking my life for fun.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.