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@skittle624: My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
@TragicAllyHere: Husband: *snoring*
It's like he's trying to tell me something
What is it boy?
Timmy's stuck in a well?
@mattZillaaaa: [job interview]
"So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?"
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
@warmyellowlight: [at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
@954LeenO: Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.