@skittle624

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

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@buhsbaby_baby

When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@Kyle_Raney

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

@ravenswng_

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

@kiel_phillips

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

@online_shawn

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@dadanddisorderl

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*