My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

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When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor


My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.


DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.


I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.


JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.


I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky


My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.


Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs


4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*