My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Can’t. Being lazy.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.