My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!