My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato