My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
💻🤡
Best mom ever 😂
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’d use my best pan on you.