My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”