@LucTabone

My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.

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@ObiWanPunobi

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@PissAndry

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@deanjthompson

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

@Froschauer_AF

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”

@lyric_intent

[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?