Just watching 50 Shades of Gray with my dad
My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Adored by women
Unfollowed by cat magazine.
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”
[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?