I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
You can’t outrun your problems…
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.