I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news